For the first time in my life, really, I am feeling strong, strong like a
gorilla feels, I imagine. I have always admired gorillaa for their strength and tenderness.
This is a new feeling to me. It is not that I have
felt weak. in fact, I have been extremely healthy for most of my life and I just
turned 40 in December. During those years, especially as a child, I often felt
disconnected, lonely, unworthy.
I have heard some women say that life begins at 40. Since I made the decision
to move back to Atlantic Canada with my husband, this past June, much has
happened. For many years, as any of my good friends can tell you, I had been
talking about creating a transformative learning centre. I wanted to create the
kind of place for learning, growth and community building that would attract a
diversity of people and with a flow of creativity throughout everything offered
there. This dream has been with me for about 20 years, so half my life. I kept
waiting to meet the right person who would work with me to make it happen. I
continued to wait for that person to come along in my life. I felt frustrated
because it was not moving forward in the way I had hoped. Then, I had the
interview for a position that I thought would bring it all forward in leaps and
bounds. My heart was singing. The interview happened and I was not offered the
position. I was crushed for a good 3 days or so. Thankfully, my conversations
with good friends helped me to hear faster than I anticipated. I had been so
tied to that individual income. Yet, somewhere, in my heart, I knew my path was
a different one and I was being called to create it.
Over 15 years, Linton and I have gone down many paths together and
separately. Marriage is not easy. I I have to say that I have been ready to be
single at many points. We have made mistakes. We have not cared for one another.
We have not cared for ourselves at many points along the way. Marriage is
everyday recommitment. Over these 15 years, we have seen many people
decide that they could not commit to staying together. All these decisions have
to be respected. There is much learning in it all. For Linton and I, we made a
decision to try to change things, to take risks, financial, emotional and otherwise. We
had dreamed of living by the water for over 15 years but could not ever afford
it in Ontario where we were living. Within 2 months of living here, we were
given an opportunity to do just that. As I write, I look out on the water of the
Saint John, listen to the birds, and write. I am building my dream. My retreat
centre is forming, not in the ways I imagined it and without a 'partner' to come
along to help me start. There are many partners, but I know I needed to create
this work myself to build my confidence.
But back to this physical strength. All the happenings in my life over this
past few months, and I mean all, have helped me move to a point where I feel
much more integrated, emotionally and physically. My emotions do not overwhelm
me like they once did, growing up in a dysfunctional family of people addicted
to alcohol and with mental health issues that were out of control. I have grown
in my compassion for them all, all the people in my family who I might have
labeled monsters not so long ago. I understand now that they had a history, too.
They experienced wrongs and pains and severe abuses. They were hurting, just
like me. My parents were not ready to be parents. And though there was pain and
suffering, they brought me somehow to where I am today. A friend of mine said to
me recently that he remembered me saying that I had two goals for my life by the
time I was 40. These were to open a transformative learning centre and to earn
my Ph.D. in Theology. And he says that he could not be more proud to know more
for so many reasons, but the fact that I have accomplished these inspires him to
follow through with his dreams, too.
Until very recently, I could not even cry. Crying for me was something that
happened only if I saw a National Geographic program and an animal died. Now, I
cry tears when I sometimes least excpect it. I know the emotions will not
overwhelm me. I know that no one will tell me I cannot cry or laugh or get too
excited. I am free to be me. This compassion for myself is growing compassion in
me, at an exponential rate, for others. This is also the foundation of my chosen
faith..Christianity. This emotional strength gives me physical strength, too. My
motivation, love, compassion and willingness to forgive myself and others is
blossoming. Things have happened in my life over these past 6 months that I
would have considered mistakes or regrets before. But by allowing these into me,
by allowing these other shadow elements, the light has become that much stronger
and brighter. I am thankful for it. I hope this happiness is yours, too.
For once in my life, I am waking up and realizing that I am living every
dimension of my dream for this past 40 years. It is hard work, but it is a
pleasure and a joy. The universe whispered to me..Please, let yourself be. You
don't have to make it happen. Let it happen. Put your trust in me. Sometimes I
imagine God as a large, black Raven, a spirit of life and beauty flying through
the universe and carrying us on its wings. The Raven whispers to me..Fall back
onto my broad wings. I will carry you for a journey throughout this creation. I
will show you the beauty availabe to you every day. You have but to trust. And I
see myself, naked, trusting, more alive than I have ever been in that Raven's
embrace. Perhaps this is also the Raven's dream for me, and for us all.
gorilla feels, I imagine. I have always admired gorillaa for their strength and tenderness.
This is a new feeling to me. It is not that I have
felt weak. in fact, I have been extremely healthy for most of my life and I just
turned 40 in December. During those years, especially as a child, I often felt
disconnected, lonely, unworthy.
I have heard some women say that life begins at 40. Since I made the decision
to move back to Atlantic Canada with my husband, this past June, much has
happened. For many years, as any of my good friends can tell you, I had been
talking about creating a transformative learning centre. I wanted to create the
kind of place for learning, growth and community building that would attract a
diversity of people and with a flow of creativity throughout everything offered
there. This dream has been with me for about 20 years, so half my life. I kept
waiting to meet the right person who would work with me to make it happen. I
continued to wait for that person to come along in my life. I felt frustrated
because it was not moving forward in the way I had hoped. Then, I had the
interview for a position that I thought would bring it all forward in leaps and
bounds. My heart was singing. The interview happened and I was not offered the
position. I was crushed for a good 3 days or so. Thankfully, my conversations
with good friends helped me to hear faster than I anticipated. I had been so
tied to that individual income. Yet, somewhere, in my heart, I knew my path was
a different one and I was being called to create it.
Over 15 years, Linton and I have gone down many paths together and
separately. Marriage is not easy. I I have to say that I have been ready to be
single at many points. We have made mistakes. We have not cared for one another.
We have not cared for ourselves at many points along the way. Marriage is
everyday recommitment. Over these 15 years, we have seen many people
decide that they could not commit to staying together. All these decisions have
to be respected. There is much learning in it all. For Linton and I, we made a
decision to try to change things, to take risks, financial, emotional and otherwise. We
had dreamed of living by the water for over 15 years but could not ever afford
it in Ontario where we were living. Within 2 months of living here, we were
given an opportunity to do just that. As I write, I look out on the water of the
Saint John, listen to the birds, and write. I am building my dream. My retreat
centre is forming, not in the ways I imagined it and without a 'partner' to come
along to help me start. There are many partners, but I know I needed to create
this work myself to build my confidence.
But back to this physical strength. All the happenings in my life over this
past few months, and I mean all, have helped me move to a point where I feel
much more integrated, emotionally and physically. My emotions do not overwhelm
me like they once did, growing up in a dysfunctional family of people addicted
to alcohol and with mental health issues that were out of control. I have grown
in my compassion for them all, all the people in my family who I might have
labeled monsters not so long ago. I understand now that they had a history, too.
They experienced wrongs and pains and severe abuses. They were hurting, just
like me. My parents were not ready to be parents. And though there was pain and
suffering, they brought me somehow to where I am today. A friend of mine said to
me recently that he remembered me saying that I had two goals for my life by the
time I was 40. These were to open a transformative learning centre and to earn
my Ph.D. in Theology. And he says that he could not be more proud to know more
for so many reasons, but the fact that I have accomplished these inspires him to
follow through with his dreams, too.
Until very recently, I could not even cry. Crying for me was something that
happened only if I saw a National Geographic program and an animal died. Now, I
cry tears when I sometimes least excpect it. I know the emotions will not
overwhelm me. I know that no one will tell me I cannot cry or laugh or get too
excited. I am free to be me. This compassion for myself is growing compassion in
me, at an exponential rate, for others. This is also the foundation of my chosen
faith..Christianity. This emotional strength gives me physical strength, too. My
motivation, love, compassion and willingness to forgive myself and others is
blossoming. Things have happened in my life over these past 6 months that I
would have considered mistakes or regrets before. But by allowing these into me,
by allowing these other shadow elements, the light has become that much stronger
and brighter. I am thankful for it. I hope this happiness is yours, too.
For once in my life, I am waking up and realizing that I am living every
dimension of my dream for this past 40 years. It is hard work, but it is a
pleasure and a joy. The universe whispered to me..Please, let yourself be. You
don't have to make it happen. Let it happen. Put your trust in me. Sometimes I
imagine God as a large, black Raven, a spirit of life and beauty flying through
the universe and carrying us on its wings. The Raven whispers to me..Fall back
onto my broad wings. I will carry you for a journey throughout this creation. I
will show you the beauty availabe to you every day. You have but to trust. And I
see myself, naked, trusting, more alive than I have ever been in that Raven's
embrace. Perhaps this is also the Raven's dream for me, and for us all.